Ok.. I made it here in one piece just incase anyone was worrying. However, just before the flight I had a panic attack. I never knew what one was but alls I can say is that I was crying uncontrollably, could not breathe and my hands and feet were tingling. It took 8 diazepam throughout the flight to keep me rested. So yeah, mr hypnotist.. Cheers 4 absolutely feck all!

I have decided its come to the end of the line with the whole flying thing. Im not going to be putting myself through this shit for a long time after this one. Its just not worth it. Once upon a time the holiday used to outweigh the trauma of the flight out. That is no longer the case. Andrew has agreed we spend the next 10 years doing Devon and every centreparks, butlins and havens the uk has to offer.. or find alternate means of going abroad... *coach, bus, boat, train, hovercraft, teleportation*

Apart from that, the place is lovely, the food is great, and apart from missing andrew like crazy and doing sad things like kiss his photo and teddy that hes given me good night, im doing just fine...

The wedding is on tuesday.. I have a funny feeling that now ive discovered the net, ill be posting before then

Speak soon xxx

Good Morning,
Im going to keep this short and sweet. I had felt not too bad at all about the whole flying thing up until last night where I went onto a site designed for making people feel better about flying but that actually ended up triggering something off instead. Silly Adie... Anyway, Im going to play a number game..

Amount of Diazapam wolfed down:- 2
Predicted number downed before this holiday is over:- 354 (just a rough guess)
Number of weather channels checked for airport:- 3
Number of weather channels predicting a storm:- 0 (Thank God)
Number of times net has crashed in last 24 hours:- 5 (who was it that told me to go with sky, hey?!!?)
Number of activities I have taken to entertain myself on the aeroplane:- 3 (gonna buy a puzzle book, got loads of books in hand luggage and Sony PSP)
Weight of luggage:- 25kg (im told one piece of luggage cannot weigh more than 23kg nowadays so may have to repack but will see if can flutter eye lashes at lady/gay check-in boy... Failing that can result to tutting at everything they say..)
Weight of hand luggage:- About 7kg.. See above.
Stress-O-Meter:- 50% and going up every minute...
Andy-O-Meter:- 100%.. Does not seem to be falling.. Feel like I need next to me rabbiting away about nothing imparticular away to take my mind off things. Bless him..I bloody love that lad I do. Crazy about him, in fact. Spoke to him last night though and he is always in my thoughts.

I bid thee farewell fellow bloggers, bloggetters and bloggees.. I shall see you on thee other side...and if I get there alive, you may even get a post!

Byeeeeeeee xxx

So, there I was.. Packing away...well, I was sorting out what to put in it and Jason folding and placing things in all neatly and folded. It was all going into my shiny new light metallic blue suitcase from Debenhams.. Cost me a fortune but worth every penny because it looks so damned pretty. However, because its a hard shell case, it needs to be filled both sides and then somehow closed up. It was only when we tried to shut the b*stard thing that we ran into problems. All of my nicely folded wedding gear and shirts etc are now all nicely squished into each other in my suit case.. It all just piled into one big heap of messy-ness... I just know that when I get on holiday and open my case my mum is going to look and say "Jesus Christ Adrian, you could have folded the clothes before you put them in the friggin case.." If she does, ill have to give her the finger!

Im quite excited about my hol now and this is heightened by the fact that my boyfriend is going to be ringing me very shortly for a conversation.. and heightened even more so by the fact that I have a bloody chicken tikka and rice in the oven!! WOOO!!

xxx

I have been awake since 3.30am this morning putting songs on my ipod.. This has been an on/off ongoing task for the last couple of weeks and so far I have managed to get 1.1 days worth of music onto it. But its not enough.. I need more... MORE I tell thee!! The stupid thing is, all this searching on amazon for music I havent heard in years etc and its guaranteed that I will loop the same 6 songs around and around again... Its always the same!

Well, I was hypnotised.. Not quite sure if I fell asleep because his voice soothed me to sleep or whether I was really in a trance... Im not quite sure how I feel about the whole flying malarky at the moment... I cant say I feel better just because Ive paid money to have someone tell me that Ill be fine, but at the same time I cant write it off as a useless excercise as I havent had any panic attacks since I went to see him which has got to be a start?!

One thing that is constantly making my stomach churn today is Andrew and the lack of him here with me. I went out for a tea with Jasey (who has come up to see me before I go)my mum, sister, aunty and cousin and her girlfriend (im not he only gay in the family! Hoorah!) I was chatting to them all and mentioned Andrew and how nice he was and then thought how much I wanted him to be laughing and joking with us and been next to me so I could give his leg a little squeeze under the table etc...From there, Jason said I changed and Ive come quite close to tears standing here and getting my holiday things ready. It really isnt that I dont want to go because Im really looking forward to it... I just wish he was coming with me thats all...

It seems Im doing nothing but having a whine here lately! I am sorry guys!!

Oooh a bit of good/bad news for you though is that I will be posting from off holiday.. It wont be every day but Im hoping to get online at least twice a week!

Anyway, will blog tomorrow xxxx

Hi De Hi...
OK, so Ive been sticking to this vile diet for what seems like ten years but is only actually been 3 days. Oh, how I would kill for a mars bar or 12....How i have dreamt of a chicken korma passing my lips. But, its over now and I can begin to live a somewhere near normal life with the knowledge that I never have to eat a tin of tuna in brine without any dressings EVER again.. *Heaves*

I cant promise that this diet will not have scarred me and that at random intervals, I wont wake up in cold sweats with dreams of bein attacked by a ritz cracker and a gang vegetables...

You are still here!?? Sorry, the drama queen side of me comes out to play every noe and again!

I have just weighed myself... Ive lost 6 pound which means I am 11 stone 2. I am officially the lightest I have been since I was about 6 years old. However, I am more than aware that if my diet takes a turn for the worse then so will my weight so I vow that on my holiday I am going to drink nothing but water and eat nothing but fresh fruit and salads... For at least the first 20 minutes of being there!

Was the diet worth it?? Well considering that I was on a diet to start with and had already lost a few pound from the beginning of the week, it still crashed my weight down 6 pound so yes, I think it really is worth it.. Although I wont be rushing out to do it again!

A big thank you to Teri_R for the diet and for giving me that second round of bread on day 2 with my breakfast where the British heart foundation diet didnt.. I think without it, I would not be here today.

Mwah
xxx
xx
x

Oh yes, I managed to get another horror shot... How proud are u of me!! Not sure why I have a hamster wedged in my gob, nor why I have a post-it pin sticking out of my tooth but I am so proud of how I managed to take yet another photo!! Look closely, as with the other one, hes in the bloomin background! Heheheh xxxx  I think this is possibly the most unflattering photo Ive EVER EVER EVER taken.. Please dont hate me for it! I just thought u would like a lookski!  

• That there was world peace (And hopefully Ill go to heaven for saying that!)
• That I had a proper chance to say goodbye to all of the loved ones that have passed away.
• I was a millionairre
• Andrew was back home this instant
• That all the people close to me who want nothing more to be loved could find someone who is perfect for them.
• That McDonald were classed as health food (although if they were, we wouldnt eat them because thats what we are like!)
• That I had enough money to ensure that noone around me ever wanted for anything.
• That I could drive.
• I could hold Bazza-Boo and give her a big squeeze right now
• I could do a poem that is lovey dovey as decent as I can do the ones that are nasty!
• That I didnt work crabby hours...
• That I could lose just that little bit of a gut that Ive always had.
• That I had brushed my teeth when I was younger.
• Yes, world peace.. definitely world peace...
• The Spice Girls would do me their own concert in my living room

How much did I whine last night?! Talk about a bloody moan-a-lot! However, thank you for all of your kind comments. I guess we all have our down days and yesterday was not one of my finest moments. However, Im not going to delete what I wrote because thats the whole idea of this place... Say how you feel at that particular time etc etc...

Got to say that this morning I do feel quite fabulous.. I miss Andy Pandy already but whats done is done and now hes out of the country I feel better. (How bad does that sound..) I dont mean it in a nasty way. Its just that yesterday I was just waiting for him to go. Now at least I cant start his countdown! Heheh!! Plus we had a really good chat on the phone last night before he went.. Right up until I started slobbering and doing the nodding dog. He knew then I had to get my beauty sleep!

Can I also just say that I didnt eat the curry.. It is sitting in the freezer ready for Sunday night. Its got to be one of the biggest feats ever that has!!

Are u proud?! xx

I know its really silly, but last year I found that BBC weather was the only weather that came close to how the weather was on my holidays away... I have used weather.com but it seems to just say "thundery showers" for every day for anywhere in the Carribean. So I was ecstatic when I found this:-

Friday Sunrise 06:02 (AST) Sunset 19:21 (AST)		33°C	23°C	11	moderate	1014	50
Saturday Sunrise 06:02 (AST) Sunset 19:21 (AST)		33°C	24°C	13	good	1016	48
Sunday Sunrise 06:03 (AST) Sunset 19:22 (AST)		32°C	23°C	14	very good	1016	50
Monday Sunrise 06:03 (AST) Sunset 19:22 (AST)		29°C	22°C	14	good	1017	67

And, for Manchester Airport:-

Friday Sunrise 04:40 (BST) Sunset 21:37 (BST)		18°C	11°C	8	moderate	1000	88
Saturday Sunrise 04:40 (BST) Sunset 21:37 (BST)		18°C	10°C	3	poor	999	82
Sunday Sunrise 04:39 (BST) Sunset 21:38 (BST)		18°C	11°C	10	very poor	1005	70
Monday Sunrise 04:39 (BST) Sunset 21:38 (BST)		19°C	12°C	6	moderate	1010	83
Tuesday Sunrise 04:39 (BST) Sunset 21:39 (BST)		19°C	14°C	8	moderate	1012	67

 Which hopefully means that we will get no bad weather on the way up into the clouds nor landing in Dominican republic.. Thats one of the things ive REALLY been worrying about...There is one demon put to rest at least xx

xxx

I gave Andrew all of the details for the breeder last night incase the worst should happen on the aeroplane...

What a stupid prick I am.

Im on a break at work and... OK.. Everything is catching up with me. 

Im not going to see my partner Andrew whom I love dearly for almost 3 weeks. Right now, I could cry.  Then there is always the chance that he will get swept off his feet by a sexy spanish guy that doesnt throw strops and who is good at cooking and whom is rich and says "hola" and "muchas grassy arse" n stuff. Tho, I actually believe he will be a good boi when hes away. I trust him..

I have no money.  In fact, I am about -£1300 english pounds at the moment (altho luckily nowadays that is all the debt I have).. But that does include Bazza and my holiday spending.. But it still isnt good. I worry myself sick about money all the time.  At the moment im worrying about how much money to take to the airport with me because I dont want to be the one standing there that cant afford to buy a breakfast or a book or  just a bit of  "something."  I hate the thought of people asking me why Ive taken no money etc etc.

Im going on a flight in 4 sleeps that I am absolutely bricking myself about. Its ok for anyone to say its only a flight but to me its as if everytime I step on one, I hand over a contract to sign my life away and the last time I see any loved ones before I go (in this case Andrew as most of my family are with me!), i think that it could be the last time Im going to see them..(silly I know) I then sit on the plane willing with all my might for it to stay in the air, because it always seems as soon as I relax, we get turbulance, or hit a storm.. I know that if it was not my sisters wedding, I would not be getting on one this time. At the moment I feel just about the worst I have ever felt about flying. I really hope this Hypnotism does something.. Anything.. 5% would be an improvement. If not the tablets will hopefully help. Yes, I know it sounds silly but Im opening my heart here so please dont take the mickey.

 And to add insult to serious injury:-

I have a chicken tikka main and vegetable pilau rice sitting under my desk.  Ill be honest, I dont think its going to make it alive until the end of the night.. When Im worrying, I eat.
xxx

Ok, so it doesnt look TOO bad.. But there were meant to be a couple of carrots on there and I couldnt quite manage to spoon them onto the plate because I was that bloody hungry I cooked and ate em while I was doing the rest of the meal... Ooh, I have half a banana and a poxy bowl of icecream to look forward to... followed by for my dinner, 5 crackers and some cottage cheese *heaves*

Yeah... Loving the diet!

Only kidding, its not actually that bad... xx

http://www.hypnotherapytreatment.co.uk/

Doesnt look too bad..He certainly has all his qualifications!

• My Drew bear has left me as he goes on holiday in the early hours tomorrow.  Im convinced that Im one of those people that good things just dont happen to.  This will obviously result in my plane crashing and killing me just as I was about to start enjoying life with a fantastic man.  Drew assures me this isnt true. He says that maybe someone upstairs (I think he meant God cos he looked at me like Id fallen off a Christmas tree when I said "who upstairs? Me mum?!")  maybe took a look at the both of us and thought it may be time that we were given a break... That made me smile.
• I hate this diet but I was told by Teri_R that by day two Id want to die. Well, its official, I want to die. I need comfort foods not fecking cottage cheese on a cardboard cracker garnished with sawdust!
• I wonder if Andrew will like the poem i wrote him?.. I admit it ended up been quite a poor effort but I certainly tried my hardest. Aww, he bought me a pug teddy bear, a glass love token saying "thinking of you" and a thorntons chocolate lolly (that i have hidden from myself)
• One moomin!! Who put the washer on!?... It wasnt me and mum left nearly two hours ago. Have I got a phantom "washing putter inner"... And if they dye or shrink any of my clothes is there a "phantom court" that I can go to so that I can press charges on his ghoulish ass??
• If anyone fucks me off in the slightest at work today then Im going to rip off their head and shit down their neck. Its just going to happen. Im a force not to be reckoned with today.
• Oh God, its take away night at work.. How am I going to stop myself from eating the indian.. Must practise "not for me thank you, Im stuffed!"
• I have three ironed shirts left... but I only have 2 days of work.. If I put the one ironed shirt back in the wardrobe, will i forget about it when I come back and iron it again??
• Andrew said he was besotted with me last night.. I like that word... Besotted.. Noones ever been besotted with me before..
• I wonder what Bazza-Boo is doing.. Cant wait to have her.. Love her already and I havent even seen her in the flesh...
• Wheres my mother hidden the scales...She doesnt want me to weigh myself cos she knows what Im like.. Damn it!
• Wonder if this hypnosis will work...?
• Aww, Jaseys coming tomorrow... That will cheer me up...
• Oooh dentist tomorrow.. Hope they dont hurt me...
• And then a hair appointment on Saturday after the hypnosis...
• And I need speakers for my ipod.. Which I need to charge up...
• Ooh, a text... Its from Andrew telling me how much he is going to miss me... Y'see, he just knows when Im feeling glum!  Thats cheered me up a little...

Thats about it... I have loads of other stuff going on in my bonce but its just getting a little bit tedious... xxx

I always like the effect that a sun bed creates when you take a photo... (Yes, I take my camera phone EVERYWHERE with me!)

Ive written a rough draft of another poem.. Its kind of a sequel to the last one I wrote but on a different viewpoint. Its not brilliant but its all I could knock up in 2 days for Andrew to take on holiday with him.

I may post it tomorrow.. Going to see if I can titivate it a bit more first. xx

Oh and this diet I am on sucks big fat greek ass! To add insult to injury, work have decided that they are going to buy us a take away tomorrow night.. I mean... How very rude! They never buy us a bloody tin of beans, let alone a take away.. Its because of all the hard work staff have put in since the fedex take over.. Im having the take away and taking it home to freeze.. Is that uber uber cheeky?? hehhehe xxx

Its 11.49am and for the rest of the day, alls that I have got to look forward to is "not quite" a tin of tuna in brine and one slice of toast. Im not amused... If im not singing "rainy days and Mondays" in 3 days time then Im going to wanna know why!

Oooh.. I can feel a waffle-a-thon coming on.. I have so much to talk about so Im just going to type it as it pops itself into ma little head!

Diet:- I have started the "killer diet" today. Its only 3 days and Ive weighed in this morning at 11 stone 7. I am going to follow it very strictly and I will let you know how it goes. Gotta say though, the breakfast looks the most exciting meal of the day so Im not really looking forward to dinner time!

Bazza-Boo:- Jasey has assisted us in finding the best value pet insurance (incidentally if anyone is interested it was with More-Than.) We have worked out what we are doing on the weekend we have Bazza and we will be bringing her back to Stoke so we can do some shopping and show her my family. We are going to spend a small fortune on her as I ave seen a beautiful black leather collar with different colour diamonte jewels in it that costs a small fortune and she needs everything from scratch such as bowls,a "how to" book on pugs, a bed, a lead, food, nappy pads, treats, a starter outfit to get her used to wearing clothes which will be expensive, some toys etc.. We have also seen these really cool mats that go on the floor and cool dogs down. With the pug breed been a very temperemental breed when it comes to temperatures both hot and cold, I may have to make this purchase later on when she is old enough not to chew them to bits! Has anyone got any other ideas that I may have forgotten?

*note* I have just noticed that for the last 20 minutes ive been sitting watching QVC on sky..I wouldnt mind but its Womens Jewellery hour.

Holiday:- This is the main bit of news that I have. I was talking to a member of staff at work yesterday about my fear of flying and I ended up having a mini panic attack there and then. It was not helped by the news that we may have storms here in Manchester on the Monday that we go and then storms in Dominican republic when we land. The thought of any kind of storm while we are flying does not appeal to me in the slightest! I didnt want to scare anyone but as it stands, Im a little scared that I am not going to get on the aeroplane. I knew that eventually I would get to this point and it is now that I have got to do something. So, I have my diazepam to take with me that the doctor prescribed and I am going to be hypnotised on Saturday. I know it could end up been a big waste of money but I need to try something and Im running out of ideas.

Andrew:- I see Andrew for the last time tonight and tomorrow morning. Least said the better.

xx

*yawn* *stretch* *scratch* Oh its you lot again... Hello!

I had some sleeping tablets last night to help me sleep in a bit and they have done the trick. Instead of waking up at 6.30am when Dame Kazduck is stomping around and hairdrying her "doo" I slept in until 9am on the dot. I feel like Ive had a really nice rest and am ready to get to work and kick the bastards arses that pissed me off yesterday!

We had to make the decision over which puppy to have yesterday because the lady who was having the other black one wanted the breeder (Alex) to start using the doggies proper name early on.(Cola or pepsi she calling it..) Funnily enough, even though we had said we wanted the smallest dog out of the litter, we chose the larger one of the two dogs. This was a painful decision and it was only having studied all 8 photos with a toothcomb, a microscope and a "ugly meter" that we chose the one with the prettier face over the one with the smaller size. (Incidentally, the one we chose is the photo I posted yesterday..How cute!?)

From tomorrow, I think that me and Dame Kazduck are following the diet laid out by a fellow blogger (Teri_R) It involves eating not-a-lot but apparantly you can lose up to 10 pound in 3 days which is what I could do with right now! I know it probably wont stay off but alls I need is a good dose of "tummy rot" in Dom Rep and Ill be a size zero when I get back! Unfortunately, thats probably not going to happen and Ill end up coming back the size of a small town!

Mwah xx

Just a few thoughts that popped into my head...

As my daughter to be is disabled, can I get a free parking badge...

Will she have to go to a school that caters in special needs...

Will the only job she will ever be capable of doing be one that involves her licking stamps?!

Do you know something? When I look to years gone by, I havent had the best time over the last 3 or 4 years. I split up with someone who kicked the poo out of my life (step AWAY from the curtain pole!) and then met someone who, if Im finally honest on here without been too offensive, I think may have had even worse self esteem issues than I did. He couldnt have been all that comfortable in his own skin to make me feel so crap about myself all of the time. Throw into that a job that paid me pittance a year for working my arse off and a big fat loan that I couldnt afford to pay and the future wasnt so bright (and certainly wasnt orange.)

And yet, just a few years on, I have a gorgeous boyfriend who constantly tells me that he feels like a millionairre since he met me and who makes me laugh with his quirky little ways. Do you know the daft brush once knocked himself out running into a lampost?!? He also, when asked by mummy Julie (my dads better half) if he wanted to come to "the park" in crewe sometime said that "he did love a spot of walking and would love to" to which she informed him that "the park" was a pub...Bless! Throw into that a job that pays me well and other than the hours I dont mind too much, and a set of family and a best friend that have stuck by me through thick and thin, and Its me that feels like the luckiest man alive.

Last night me and Andrew chatted.. and chatted.. and chatted...(he got shushed all the way through a DVD that we watched so went into overdrive when we got to bed! heheh) It must have been after 2am when we finally said our goodnights. We chatted about our relationship, and we chatted about what we want from life.. We chatted about what we want from each other. We chatted about me been an absolute nightmare when I work nights and we chatted about what is coming up for us in the next few months. My manager at work is a devout catholic and she says that when her and her husband met, they married within 6 months and that was because they couldnt get the church any sooner. She said that they talked a lot for the first month or two about what they both wanted our of life and figured out whether they would be right for each other in the long term. Thats what me and Andrew are doing. Andrew was saying yesterday (and quite rightly) that as a society are losing the art of conversation. (at the time I MSN'd him and told him to stop his whining!) So we talked lots... and lots... and it felt so good.

I know I always say it but its hard not to compare this relationship with the one I had just 6 months ago. Its probably wrong to do so but it makes me appreciate Andrew that little bit more. I think there is probably only Jason that knows the complete states I got in at times when I was with my ex as he was the only one that was always there. To give you an idea, I rang him once on my way to the doctors and was an absolute blubbering wreck. I dont remember much of the conversation (mental block I guess.) but he says that I was on the verge of getting quite poorly at that point. All in the name of trying to make someone love me who never really could. To go from bei