The Dreaded Speech

On behalf of Jaya, the bridesmaid, Id like to say a big thank you for the toast. I think we can all agree that she is looking absolutely adorable today and has done a great job so far!
Now, before I start, the hotel manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, can you please please please refrain from climbing on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation. Their insurance doesn't cover it and we don't want any accidents.

As most of you will know, I am not only best man but am the son of the groom. So, while I understand that part of the Best Man's role is to be amusing, please don't expect too much of me. After all, I am my father's son! On behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone for turning up and making their day such a memorable one. (although personally you would have made my job much easier if you would have stayed at home!) Firstly, I would just like to say a few thank yous. I know that dad has already thanked Jaya but I just wanted to reiterate that I think she did a great job today. It wouldnt have been the same without her. Dad, thank you for asking me to be your best man, I hope by the end of this speech you don't regret it! Julie, thank you for taking my dad off the shelf.. The women in this country can now sleep at night. I think everyone will agree that you look beautiful today. I was a little concerned when you said that you had chosen the first dress that you had tried on. However, it is proof that you clearly have an eye for something fine in quality, simple, and yet beautiful. The same could be said for your choice of husband... well 1 out of 3 is a start!! And finally not to forget all of the staff here at xxxxxxxxx who have put on a lovely spread today.

I remember the first time that my dad told me about meeting Julie. He said that he had met a lovely gal from Crewe... Now off the top of my head, I couldn't think of many lovely girls in crewe but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and when I got to meet Julie, I saw exactly why my dad had moved in virtually overnight.... I think everyone will agree that Julie has brought the best out in my dad and I hope that all of Julies friends and family that are here will agree likewise.

I am told that I should tell a couple of amusing stories where my dad has been drunken, disorderly and made a fool of himself. I am sure there are many here that could tell a story but I think in asking me to be his best man, my dad knew that I wouldn't be able to produce many of those stories as many of them were before I was even born. In all honesty, I do actually find myself at a loss for words at this point and so for the benefits of you all, I think it would be best to use a visual aid. *show poster*
This is a photo of my dad on his stag weekend. I know that he had gone on for weeks about us going on BabeWatch as a bunch of lifeguards... Little did he know that HE was going to be the babe on show with 16 "lifeguards" surrounding him! I'm sure though, he would have expected no less from me. What you see here the makeover I managed in just in one weekend.. Just imagine the results had I been given a week! I think there are some photos of the stag and hen do lying around so please try and get a look at them. Julie, the one of you having your brazillian wax has now been taken out so worry not!

Now, the last time I was visiting my dad and Julie, I went on the search for something that I could share with my audience. In fear of embarrassing you further dad I left the posh spice outfit in the car... why have u still got that by the way? Hmmm?? I did however, find both of your personal diaries from when you first met. I would like to share these with you on their special day...

Dads diary- Sat 14th October 2000
Last night I managed to drag workmates to 21/12 nightclub. They don't like it but they do guiness so I like to go there to finish off the night. Met a girl tonight while shooting some shapes on the dance floor.. .As always I had loads to choose from but chose this foxy blonde by the name of Julie. Stayed over last night and never want to go home. She is like no one I've ever met before and I feel an instant connection with her.

Julies Diary - Sat 14th October 2000
Feel as though my head is going to fall off. Last night got really drunk on a works night out... Can't remember a thing but woke up and strange man lurking in my house. Says his name is Keith. Fearing I may have picked up one of the homeless. Not sure how to tell him to leave. Friday the 13th certainly lived up to its expectations!

Dads Diary - 3 months later
Life is wonderful since I met Julie. She truly is one of the most perfect women in the world. She laughs at my jokes, enjoys a wee drum of whisky and even likes watching the football! I think she could be the one... I already have our wedding songs sorted.
Julies Diary - 3 months later
Have finally resigned myself to fact that Keith not leaving. Tried everything, even laughed at his jokes and dropped him at the football in hope of escape but he even drags me there. However he does buy good whisky which is numbing the pain...developing a fondness over time like would do with stray dog, He does keep checking that Martin is not diluting vodka though. Strange habits he has...

And now here we are, almost 8 years to the day since they met...
On behalf of my dad, and now my official not so evil step-mummy Julie, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their unique and special day and, from me, thanks for your attention. Can I just say that if you enjoyed listening to my words half as much as I enjoyed saying them, well, I'm sorry.

I do have to say how lucky you are Dad. You will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. A wife who is funny and who can light up a room just by been in it...
And Julie...
how lucky you are as well...
You leave today having gained a.... well... a fabulous dress a piece of cake and a lovely bouquet of flowers!!

Just to finish on a serious note, I hope you both know that I love you both and I am so proud to have been made part of your special day. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I truly believe that if there was ever a pair made for each other, it is you two. May you live each day as its your last, and live each night like its your first and continue to dance as if there is no one watching, because this is just one of the things we all love about you.
Ladies and gentlemen, can I please ask for everyone to stand and to toast the bride and groom. Mr and Mrs Williams.
*wait for everyone to stand* To the bride and groom!