The rise, flight, and regular crashes of the..

There is a part of me that thinks that I may have a touch of "bi polar" or "manic depressive" disorders. One minute I can be dragging myself along by my front teeth, and the next there are people pulling me down off the ceiling fans.

Today I have had the best day at work in ages. I have had my first official review and have scored 3.5 out of 4 overall. The only down sides are that:-

1.) I need to have a shave more often. (the cheeky bloody bugger - does he not realise this is DESIGNER stubble!?)

and

2.) I need to dig a bit deeper with my questions (which I knew anyway!)

Overall though, its a really excellent first score and I am chuffed to bits!

On top of this, I have had some gorgeous flowers delivered to work from Sean. AND Im going for a nice meal with him tonight instead of just staying in!

I'm really REALLY happy, REALLY really loved up and really just fantastic...

... For today....

..........

One of the gifts that I got Sean for Christmas was a trip to London to see the west end show Wicked. The trip was from 16th to 18th of January and we had an absolutely "wicked" time!  I had planned a little surprise for Sean and straight after the show, walked him over to opposite the London eye on the banks of the Thames, sat him down and told him I had wrote him a letter. However, I said I had something else to give him first and gave him a ring.. and asked him to marry me.  Along with the ring, I gave him the letter and a poem. The poem was nothing amazing but he liked it.  I find it so much harder to write about love than I do heartache.  It is extremely out of character for me to have done anything like proposing to someone. For a starters I always saw me as been the proposee rather than the proposor... I have also never been engaged before and have never really been able to see myself with someone for long enough to warrant marrying them.  However, I genuinely feel as tho I want to spend forever with him and so I thought I would go for it!  We had talked about it between ourselves anyway and I was quietly confident that he wouldn't say no.. (and he didn't.. thank god!) I think he would agree that it ended up been quite a romantic weekend AND proposal! Memorable at least! :-)

 Ill try to upload a photo of his ring (no pun intended) but I do love it.. it is platinum with a ickle diamond in the middle and was handmade.  I thought if this is the person that Im going to be spending the rest of my life with, I should get him something that is timeless, simple and yet beautiful.. Just like the person that its going to :-P

 Today, I am in a foul mood unfortunately. I have awoken on the wrong side of the bed and am wearing one of those "scowling" faces at work! Speaking of work, better get back to the grind stone!

Enjoy your day all... xxxx

Last night I was miserable with no good reason. I went for a lovely meal at the Cuddle Whores sisters and then when we returned home, a dark cloud set itself squarely above my head and proceeded to piss all over me (no, am not talking watersports.)

  I managed to wind myself up to the point where I completely tired myself out and then went to sleep. I think a big part of me is always thinking that I am not good enough for Sean or indeed, not good enough for anyone! Why? Well, because I dont earn enough to support us and to buy him all the luxuries I believe he deserves, not good enough because I dont drive, and not good enough because I sometimes look in the mirror and feel physically sick at what is staring back at me. How have I managed to catch such a beautiful creature?! I sit and wonder what on earth he sees in me, and as I cant see what it is, I convince myself that one day he will wake up and realise that there really isn't that much to me.  I am a Very paranoid android! The one thing that I have found though, is that Sean has the patience that could only be compared to that of a Nun. He talks things through with me, tells me why Im wrong about what Im thinking.. He is even taking me for a meal tonight, because I was a twat last night...  If I wasn't the biggest pessimist this side of the continent, I would almost say that he really does love ME. Bizarre. Nice, but bizarre.

xxx

Do you ever do something, thinking that your proving how reliable, loyal and lovely you are, thinking that you are hiding absolutely nothing ... and then stumble across something that gives you that  *oh fuck me sideways, my heart is in my mouth, oh my Jesus bloody Christ will the ground not swallow me up* feeling when you realise that you have actually just revealed something that you shouldn't have, surprising both yourself and your lesbian lifetime lover sitting to your left...

I did that. Last night. And the cause? Me and Richard.

  It was back when I first met Sean, within the first couple of weeks. When we were dating, I got the impression that me and him were going to take things slow, mainly due to my recent split with Andy and what I misread as Seans severe love of the scene and all things "gay and single.."... I could never have imagined that we would be where we are now and that I would feel as strong for him as I now do, and this is my only defence...

 I basically bragged to Richard about Sean and about him been the best looking person that I had dated, but there was also a bit of flirting in there. Nothing too terrible but just me basically jumping when he said jump and showing that I still was not over him at that time. Obviously when I was going through my emails showing Sean how trustworthy I could be, it was not what either of us wanted to come across and I was as surprised as him to find it.  I froze and was unsure what to do which Sean misread as me not caring.. and so eventually,  I did the only thing I could do and gave him a big cuddle.  We managed to talk it out eventually and by the end of the night, I managed to get him back on my side. My explanation only been that at the time I had the conversation with Richard, the spell was not broken. I can honestly say that is now, and as long as me and Sean are together, I dont think its a good idea me been in touch with someone that has hindered me so over the last few years.

 I am hoping that last night is the last time that Tricky Dicky will ever darken my door....Fingers crossed!

xxxx

I have not been very good at blogging nowadays. Unfortunately, I dont see things getting better anytime in the near future so to anyone who does come back on a regular occurance for an update, Im sorry.  However, I wanted to formerly introduce you to the Cuddle Whore. I was a bit apprehensive about getting together with someone so soon after me and Andy split up which is why I didn't want to rush in and start blogging about how I'd met someone else etc. I also dont want to come here and start harping on about how wonderful Sean is, and how things feel different with him than they have done before. You have heard it all before (as Sean (cuddle whore) himself pointed out to me..) I am not going to justify anything that I have said in the past or may say in the future. I obviously felt like I did at the time that I posted and I have learnt to have no regrets.

 

 What I will say, is that:-

 

 

 

A.  The cuddle whore has finally broken the "Richard" spell. I think I had a lot of personal issues to do with that relationship and how it has affected me over the last 18 months. I maintain that I loved Richard and maybe he is the only other person Ive ever loved but to love with no return is the worst feeling in the world. Maybe the only person that knows the full extent would be Jasey and Stacey as I remember a few  chats I have had in the past. Up until I got together with Sean, I was in regular contact with Richard and to cut a long story short, I dont think it was healthy for me as it kept me hanging on.  I have now cut that contact and am happier in doing so.

 

B. He knows ALL of my secrets and I know his. The good ones, the bad ones and the truly terrible ones. And he has not judged me for any of it. And with everything, he loves me just the way I am and tells me so every day. I think Andy was right when he said me and him were in instant lust to start with and then when the true picture of each other was painted, we didn't like what we saw. I feel that Sean knows me more than anyone ever has and he is the only person that I feel still loves me with my warts, scabs and pimples and all.

 

C. I wake up every day and I feel so lucky to have met Sean. I look at him and my heart skips a beat. He is perfect in every way that someone can be perfect.  I just want to take good care of him and give him the world where as in the past Ive always been the one who needed taking care of. Maybe thats where I've always gone wrong.

 

And finally, instead of ruining it for myself before I even give it chance by doing silly things like I have done in the past, Im going to tell everyone the truth over how I feel, and how amazing I think he is. Im going to give him my heart and what he chooses to do with it is completely up to him.  I have to give someone a real chance... Im learning slowly but surely!

I can only hope that he feels half for me as I do for him.

 

 

 

So There u go... :-) xx More Pics to be uploaded soon... Appears to be a problem with tags or summink... xx